Life Of The Lorigans

Looks like they’re going to let me watch the Chargers game. I think I’m gonna like these kids.

On Tuesday Shae had yet another doctor appointment. Actually, she had a non-stress test and a doctor’s appointment. A few people have asked what the hell a non-stress test (or a “nst” for the cool people) is. Basically, Shae sits in a chair with three monitors strapped to her belly (one for each baby and one to monitor contractions) and drinks apple juice while listening to the babies’ heart beats. Every so often the babies kick the monitors and it sounds like someone is smacking a microphone. This goes on for about 45 minutes or so. Very exciting. On the bright side, I got to read “The War Of The Wizards” (don’t worry, the wizards worked it all out in the end) and a Scooby Doo story (don’t worry, Scooby and Shaggy got to the bottom of the mystery) while I waited.

Anyway, back to Tuesday’s doctor’s appointment. After the excitement of last Wednesday we thought we might be scheduling a C-section at the appointment so I tagged along again. After dealing with several crazy old guys trying to run me down in the parking lot I finally made it up to the office. Eventually we got into the little exam room and the nurse took Shae’s blood pressure and then told Shae to drop trou and put a sheet on. A while later the doctor came in and we got our normal look at the kids (not nearly as cool as it seemed before we started going to the specialist with the good ultrasound). So far, so good.

Then things got awkward. In a scene reminiscent of a bad trip through customs, the doctor threw on some rubber gloves and went under the sheet. Shae’s responses indicated this was not a gentle exam. After about 30 seconds of Shae wincing, the doctor’s head popped back out from under the sheet and she said, “Oh yeah, he’s not head down so you’re having a C-section. I guess we don’t really need to do that.” We did learn that Shae is about 1.5 cm dilated, which I guess doesn’t really mean much at all other than the babies could be coming anytime from soon to a few weeks. We could have figured that out without violating my wife.

After the gloves were taken off we got into how Shae’s doing. She’s swollen, having headaches (occasionally, not all the time), and basically is getting pretty tired of being pregnant. I guess her blood pressure was higher than normal because they made her lie down and then came back about 15 minutes later and took it again. It must have been OK on the second take because the doctor didn’t seem all that concerned. As she was finishing up, she just gave us some general instructions: “Continue bedrest and call us and come right in if she experiences headaches or blurry vision, gets a pain in her right side, or she starts looking like the Michelin woman.” The doctor put it all in the computer, told us to make an appointment for next week, and said her goodbyes.

After she left, Shae and I just kind of looked at each other. Our first reaction was the same: “You’re/I’m on bedrest?!?” I’m not sure how Shae missed the memo (I’m blaming her since I’ve been avoiding most of the appoinments lately), but somehow we weren’t aware Shae was supposed to be on bedrest. Of course, her version of “active” is pretty much couch-rest so I think we’re OK. It also occurred to us we might have trouble spotting the other symptoms as well since she has headaches all the time (pregnant or not) and the pain in her right side is named Ella. As far as the “Michelin woman”, all we could come up with for that is the doctor meant to be worried if she woke up white and puffy. Shae and I both agreed that white and puffy pretty much describes her right now so I’m not sure how we’ll tell.

So right now we’re kind of in a holding pattern. The babies will be 37 weeks on Monday, which according to Shae is “fully baked” so we’re hoping to hold out until then. I’m hoping they make it until at least Tuesday because the Chargers play Monday night and I don’t want to watch the game on the little hospital room TV.

Here’s a pic of Shae at 36.5 weeks. Still looking great. We also uploaded some new pics of the baby room over in the baby stuff gallery.

I’ve always been a procrastinator. In elementary school, I put off reports and projects as long as possible and then got everything done at the last minute. Things didn’t get any better in college, I just had to work a little harder at the last minute. At work it’s the same thing. Every task gets put off as long as possible until I end up working on about 10 things at once killing myself to get everything done. Shae’s a bit of a procrastinator herself. In fact, sometimes she makes it seem like I’m just an amateur compared to her. She puts off doing every little task around the house until everything is a huge job.

Of course everything is completely different with the babies. Shae and I have had everything ready for their arrival for weeks. The nursery is ready, the car seats are installed, and the whole house is clean and ready. Or not. To say we aren’t quite ready would be an understatement. Of course, we still have lots of time to get everything set up. Or not.

On Monday night, Shae went in for one of her non-stress tests. I guess something didn’t look right because on Tuesday we got a call from the doctor’s office saying we needed to go in for an ultrasound. Shae had an appointment with her doctor on Wednesday morning and the ultrasound was scheduled for Wednesday afternoon. We figured there wasn’t much to worry about, but just in case I tagged along to the appointments.

There wasn’t much unusual about the doctor’s appointment at first. The doc asked if everything was OK and took a quick look to see what position they were in (Ella is head down, Jackson’s not as cooperative and is all over the place). The fun part came when we asked if there was anything we should tell them to look for in the ultrasound that afternoon. She told us that the babies’ AFI (basically, the amniotic fluid level) was low and that it might be time to get the kids out. I guess the levels were low for a “normal” pregnancy, but she wanted the high-risk pregnancy specialist that does the ultrasounds to take a look. At this point, we were starting to think there was a chance we could be parents by bedtime. When the doctor said goodbye and added “Maybe I’ll be seeing you guys in a few hours” and told us not to worry about scheduling an appointment for next week since we may not need it, we really went into panic mode.

At this point all Shae and I could think about was all the crap we had been putting off that we had to do in the next five hours. I ran into work and tied up a few loose ends, talked to my supervisor, and basically tried to get everything setup in case I was going to be gone. Shae made a run to Babies R Us to pick up some stuff we needed and packed up the hospital bags we would need if we went right from the appointment to the hospital. Basically, we both spent the time before our appointment in a daze of excitement crossed with what I would call “Oh-crap!-ness”. It was an interesting day, to say the least.

So at 3:00 Shae and I were sitting in the ultrasound room thinking of all the crap we didn’t get done and trying to figure out how we were going to get ready while the tech was looking at the babies. When she got to the part where they check the fluid levels we both got interested and paid close attention. Since the main reason we were there was that the fluid had been low on Monday night, the tech measured a few extra times. I’m not sure what happened on Monday, but the AFI was right where it was supposed to be on Wednesday afternoon (actually, the fluid levels were pretty high which I guess is good) and we didn’t have to go to the hospital for a C-section. So after all of our running around and panicking we were right back where we were on Monday morning: waiting for the kids.

We don’t know when the babies are going to get here, but we do know it’s going to be soon. Shae has another appointment on Tuesday and we’ll probably schedule a C-section for sometime in the next couple of weeks (with Jackson not cooperating with his positioning Shae pretty much has to get a C-section). At least now we have time to do all of the things we have been putting off. On second thought, we still have a week or two, what’s on TV?

“I want these little $*@&ers out of me!”
–Shizzle (I think she’s ready to meet her babies)

There hasn’t been much new happening on the baby front, but I figured I should go ahead and give an update anyway.

Shae hit 35 weeks pregnant yesterday, so it’s getting close. The doctor has always said that she’d like Shae to get to 37 weeks, 36 weeks would be nice, and she wouldn’t stop them at 35. I don’t know exactly what that means except that 35 weeks is way too soon. Between non-stress tests, weekly checkups, ultrasounds, and whatever else I may have forgotten it seems like Shae visits a doctor’s office or hospital almost every day. At any one of these they could decide it’s time for the kids to come out, so I’m starting to get the impression I’m actually going to have kids. Soon. Shae has a trip to the doc and an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow so there should be some updated news.

An update on the prego:

• She pees something like 6000 times a day. I’ve given up ever getting through a TV show without pausing for a pee-break. A movie is completely out of the question. She says it has something to do with two babies taking turns squeezing her bladder.
• About a week ago, Shae informed me that her boobs were leaking. Uhh…gross. That’s all I’ve got on that topic.
• Shae tells me that when we started dating her measurements were something like 36-27-36. Just for fun, she took her measurements a few days back. The results: 40-47-40. Shae thought I should share that.
• The other night it almost happened. I almost had to get up and sleep on the couch. I know I snore a bit, but I can’t come close to competing with pregnant Shae snoring. At one point I had Shae snoring on my left and Lunchbox barking in his sleep on my right. I kept waiting for them to wake each other up. Never happened. Snore, bark, snore, bark, snore, bark…
• Yesterday I came home from work to find the laundry hamper almost empty, the bed covered in clean, folded laundry, and missing buttons replaced on about five of my shirts. I think this is what they call nesting. I’ve been trying to get Shae to do some laundry and fix my shirts for almost two years. So, all I have to do to get my shirts fixed is put up with constant peeing, leaking boobs, and eardrum shattering snoring. Oh, and spend the next 20-something years of my life taking care of kids. Totally worth it; I was getting really low on shirts.

That’s all for now. Hopefully we’ll have some more info soon.

“*SNIFF* My cleavage smells like mac and cheese. *SNIFF* No hot dogs though.” –Shizzle

It was a tough two days, but Shae and I survived our “Childbirth Prep” class. Since I’m such an expert (we have a certificate and everything) I thought I’d share what I learned. Basically, it all comes down to one thing: this whole process is gross. If that’s not enough for you, I’ll recap the highlights from the class.

Before I start the recap, I have a couple of general thoughts about the weekend:

• First, it’s become apparent to me that humans are not made to sit in any sort of class all day. I don’t know how kids do it. No matter how old you are, or what the class is, eventually everyone starts to drift off, watch the clock, and hope for the class to be over. It doesn’t matter if it’s elementary school, college, work-related training, or (apparently) childbirth prep. You might think that a two day class that you sign up for voluntarily (well…Shae volunteered for both of us) and pay for might be different, but you’d be wrong. By the end of the first day both Shae and I were completely exhausted. We came home and immediately took a two-hour nap. We found out Sunday that pretty much everyone else did the same thing, including the teacher. The women have an excuse (growing babies and all), but the guys don’t (unless you count putting up with pregnant women, which is exhausting but doesn’t get the same sympathy as actually being pregnant).
• I don’t think anyone in the class was mature enough to have kids. Obviously everyone there has had sex at least once, but that didn’t seem to make the conversations any less awkward. The entire weekend was full of giggles, “that’s what got us into this in the first place” comments, and basically the maturity level of a sixth grade sex ed lecture. Shae and I fit right in.
• This isn’t related to the class at all, but I don’t think NBC knows what “Live” means. Last night after our long day of class Shae and I were relaxing while watching some of the Olympics. I had seen the outcome of the events hours earlier online, yet there was “Live” up in the right corner of the screen. At one point (9pm to be exact) they decided they’d prove they were live by showing the time in Beijing and the time in the US. I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure 8pm central is not equivalent to 9pm pacific. Then it got worse: as I sat there and watched I had to listen to the anchors brag about how NBC was doing us a huge favor to bring us these events live. I have a whole rant on tape-delayed events in the age of the Internet, but that’s not what this post is about so let’s just move on.

OK, on with the weekend recap.

Shae and I got to class bright and early and were the first students there. We got our little visitor sticker badges, found the conference room, signed in, and grabbed copies of all the goodies provided for us. We got a diaper, a book, and a ton of useful information that will probably sit on a table unread until after we need it. Since we were the first couple there we had our pick of the seats. Obviously we chose pretty much the worst seats in the room. We rule. My chair was the squeakiest in the room so for the rest of the weekend every time I switched positions the whole class got to hear about it.

Eventually the other couples (and one single) showed up and we got the party started. The teacher seemed to understand her audience (pregnant women and men who had been dragged to class) and she was really good. We learned a lot of good stuff, but rather than go over all of it here are a few highlights (that’s right, another list; I might rename this blog “Lists Of The Lorigans”).

• We started with the standard introductions where all the parents-to-be share their due dates (once again our date was a month after everyone else’s and yet Shae looked the most pregnant), baby names, baby sexes, doctor, etc. In response to one of the doctors, the teacher asked her what she thought of him. “Uhhh…he’s okay. Ehh…he was kinda creepy at first, but…” Not the biggest vote of confidence. I didn’t take it as the best sign when our teacher figured she should remind us that we can change doctors right up until the babies pop out if we want. I’m glad we like our doc. I’ve just about forgiven her for finding that extra baby.
• To help explain why women have so much discomfort during pregnancy, we were shown pictures of the female anatomy before and during pregnancy. Stomach pushed up (in Shae’s case, just under her boobs), bladder squished, and everything else shoved out of the way. The picture showed one kid, but I’m sure that there’s not much difference with two in there.
• We learned some tricks to help when the kids (especially Ella) are kicking the same spot over and over. Apparently the flashlight trick that Shae read about a few months back annoys them and they’ll move to get away from it. Also, you can ice the area where her foot is kicking and she’ll move to get away from the cold. I’m all for new ways to annoy my kids before I even get to see them.
• We were talking about when the babies “drop” and someone asked how she’d be able to tell when it happened. They went over a whole bunch of ways I didn’t really pay attention to. I’ll be able to tell when our babies drop because Shae’s boobs will stop resting on her stomach. Then Shae’s boobs growled at me. It must have been getting close to lunch time.
• They used to teach kegle exercises in the class, but the guys got…umm…excited (the teacher’s word) so they don’t do that anymore. I think I’m happy that part got dropped from the curriculum.
• One of the signs of impending labor is Shae will start nesting. Apparently she’s going to randomly start cleaning everything up in the middle of the night to get ready for the babies. I’m hoping that phase lasts a long time and the house gets vacuumed.
• About 11% of the time a woman’s water breaks to indicate the start of labor. In my vast experience (TV and movies), it’s closer to 100%. I’m sure the teacher must have been wrong because Hollywood wouldn’t lie to me.
• We learned a few positions that are supposed to help Shae get through labor. For a few, there were cards with pictures that were given to a couple to act out and then the rest of the class tried it. Here’s the transcript of an exchange between the teacher and one of the dads over the position they were supposed to demo (well, just his questions, the teacher answered yes to all of them):
  

  You want us to do this?
  With the pillow?
  Do we put one on the ground for her knees?

  I snapped a picture of the card with my phone to share with you guys. If you remember my earlier remark about the maturity level of the class you’ll be able to get a decent idea of the reaction to this position.

• After being shown the vacuum that is sometimes used to help pull the baby out, I had a question: If you have good insurance do they use a Dyson vacuum?
• We spent quite a bit of time the second day on breast feeding. There are way too many jokes about boobs to make about this section of the class so I’m not going to make them all here. Rest assured I made plenty during class.
• The teacher showed us a few ways to hold our babies, one of which is the “football cradle”. One of the other dads informed her she was doing it wrong because she wasn’t covering the baby with her off hand. I bet she fumbles a lot.

That’s about it for the recap. Throughout the class I wrote down some or the more interesting events/quotes so I wouldn’t forget them later. I can only imagine what the girl next to me must have thought when I grabbed the notebook and wrote furiously at what must have seemed like random times.

“They shove pills and balloons up there? What am I, a drug mule?” –Shizzle (after watching a video on methods of inducing labor)

A couple of additions to yesterday’s post:

• Shae and I are enrolled in a “birthing class” this weekend. It’s 9 – 3 Saturday and Sunday. Seriously? 12 hours of info on birthing? I’m pretty sure we’re going to be watching at least one of those horrible videos they made us watch in health class. I think it’s a little late to scare us out of starting down the pregnancy path. I’m terrified of this weekend. I think by noon on Saturday I’m going to be sitting there in shock, and by 3 o’clock Sunday afternoon I’ll probably be catatonic. Yay!
• As Shae and I were laying in bed last night, a commercial for the “Pos-T-Vac” vacuum therapy system came on. I couldn’t find the actual commercial from last night, but I did find this video on YouTube. I don’t want to ruin it, but it’s a vacuum for your…ummm…package that supposedly is for people who don’t want to use the little blue pill. Oh, and apparently it’s covered by medicare. I’d love to see that receipt. In my search for the commercial I also came across this page (scroll about halfway down). If I were looking for reviews on shop vacs, I’m not sure a junk vac would be very useful. At least a carrying case is included.

Just a few random thoughts and stories from the past week or so. I’m too lazy to worry about transition sentences, so we’re going with a list.

• A couple of blocks up the road from my house there’s a “Gentlemen’s Club” with the classy name “Little Darlings”. “Little Darlings” is the only building on either side of the road for a block or so. It’s painted orange with turquoise trim (until recently it was pink). Most days there is a sign out front on the sidewalk advertising the current event/special: “Free lunch 12-4pm. No cover until 4pm!”, “Thursday night: Bridget the Midget”, “Wednesday: Pudding night”, etc. Seriously, I didn’t make any of those up; they’re all actual ads that have been on the board at least once in the past year. I guess what I’m trying to say is that the place doesn’t exactly blend in. I’m pretty sure the blind guys at the convalescent home down the block can see it. So imagine my surprise when a few weeks ago they started putting up tons of bright balloons on the sidewalk every day. Is there really anyone driving by who somehow missed the orange/turquoise building, free lunch, and Bridget the Midget who sees some balloons and says to himself “Ooohh! Balloons! Wait…is that a strip club? I have to stop right now!”? On second thought, I like balloons…I’ll be right back.
• Ella and Jackson are still growing like crazy (that’s why you get a list…I’m not even going to attempt to transition from “Little Darlings” to my little darlings). Shae tells me that in the past couple of days they have grown much faster than her belly. Right now Jackson is sticking out the lower-right side of Shae’s belly and Ella’s jutting out the upper-left. You can actually push them into each other and then feel them kick each other. I’m sure they love that.
• Staying with the babies, my daughter kicked me in the face the other day. I’ve heard of this happening to others, but it’s still a little upsetting when your kid kicks you in the mouth. I was explaining to Ella that if she didn’t stop kicking her mother in the ribs she wasn’t going to be the favorite when she came out. Apparently she didn’t like that so she responded with a kick to my mouth. Having a daughter is going to be super.
• On Saturday, we (we being me, Chris, Patty, Lamb, and Wendy) went up to the Del Mar Fair and caught some horse races. Nothing quite like putting down a huge $2 on the 2-horse and having the ticket guy frown at you. “$2 on Number 3. Anything else? No? Really? Huh.” I’m sure everyone will be shocked, but I didn’t win a single bet. That’s right, I squandered away a whole $10. I even managed to lose despite betting on 3 horses in a 4 horse race. Yet another thing I’m awesome at.
• They had a chili cookoff at the racetrack so we got to wander around with a little plastic cup and spoon and taste a bunch of chili. After trying most of the contenders I had consumed almost enough chili to consider it a free lunch. I think everyone was scared of being too spicy for the horse racing crowd because none of the chili was the least bit spicy. I turned in my ballot with #109 at the top and felt pretty confident in my vote. Then my buddy Lamb came over and asked if I had tried the one that tasted exactly like Stagg chili. Sure enough, when I thought about it #109 tasted like it came right out of the can. I have outstanding taste.
• If you want to end this post on a happy note, you should probably skip right down to the quote(s) from Shizzle. If you’re still reading you probably stayed one race too long, just like us. Jumping back to early in the day, we were waiting to pay for parking and Chris tried to sound like he knew something about horse racing by throwing out “I’m putting my money on the 5 horse in the 7th race.” Nevermind the fact none of us knew if there were even 7 races (there were 10 actually), it was an impressive show of racing lingo. After a day of chili and racing the 7th race finally came around and Chris put down his big money ($2 of course) on “Crazy Cash”. There’s no way this could go bad, right? Wrong. After shooting out to an early lead, Crazy Cash proceeded to fall to the back of the pack. By the time we turned around to watch the horses finish (the screen and the track were on opposite sides of us so we watched most of the race on the screen and then the finish “live”), Crazy Cash was nowhere to be seen. Finally, CC came into view. Just as I was making a comment to Chris about his awesome skill at picking winners, I noticed that CC was missing a jockey and seemed to be limping. Somewhere towards the end of the race (after we had turned around) CC had fallen and broken a leg. It got pretty quiet pretty quick. They brought out a little screen to block the view from the grandstand (not a good sign) and a trailer from a local horse sanctuary (a better sign). As we left the track we weren’t sure what happend to Crazy Cash, but the next day I found a a recap on the day’s races that included the information that CC had been euthanized on the track. RIP Crazy Cash. Definitely a downer end to an otherwise great day.

“Our babies are going to lose their fur this week! Awesome!” –Shizzle

“When I lay down, my boobs are bigger than my stomach…maybe.”
–Shizzle (Bonus quote because she threw that one out while I was typing)