Name: Lunchbox

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Posts by lbthedog:

    Update From Lunchbox

    May 30th, 2017

    Hey everyone! Long time no blog. I’d like to blame the humans for not letting me on the laptop anymore, but honestly I’m just too old and tired to be bothered to share my awesome thoughts with the world. Oh, and my toenails are too long. Well, since I recently got a trim and there’s a ton to fill you guys in on, I decided to sneak Mommy’s laptop out of her bag and let you guys know what’s really going on.

    A ton has changed since last time I put paw to keyboard, most notably that the annoying babies have turned into even more annoying kids. However, there is one thing that bears mentioning above the rest: the little bitch. The humans scold me when I call her that, but what else do you call a female dog who’s smaller than you? They call her Whiskey, but I’m pretty sure that’s just because they’re alcoholics and now no one can tell if they’re getting drunk or scolding the brown monster. Whatever her name is, a little over two years ago the humans brought home the insane monstrosity known as Whiskey. Sure, she started out cute but that got old about a month later when she chewed on my shoulder so much that I had to go into surgery to get a tiny little tumor removed (fine Dad, it was huge and gross). Anyway, the tumor wasn’t a problem for almost 8 years until she showed up. Since then, it’s been week after week of torture from my new “sister”. She’s always stealing my bed, stealing attention, and getting both of us in trouble. I’m sure I’m supposed to say I love her, so sure. Whatever. If you think she’s cute, you live with her. I could go on for hours about how annoying Whiskey is, but lately there’s more going on I need to fill you in on.

    I’m not really sure what’s going on, but there is weird shit going on with the humans. It started a couple of months ago with putting a bunch of stuff in boxes. They were nice enough to avoid any of my stuff, but they did pack up a lot of the small human’s toys that I use when I can’t find my toys fast enough. Then, a weird sign appeared in the front yard. Shortly after, things got REALLY weird. All kinds of new people started coming by the house. You’d think that would annoy me, but it was great! Every time someone new came by, I got to go for a walk (which is awesome, even if the bitch has to go too). Occasionally, we’d even go to parks, restaurants, etc. It was like the old days, before the small humans took over. Lately the visitors have dropped off, but the packing has picked up again. Today, three strangers came over and put everything we own in boxes. They even boxed up almost all of my toys (I’d be annoyed, but brown poop-monster steals them all anyway). 

    I’m not sure what’s going on, but the humans keep talking about how we are going to be “Colorado dogs” or “snow dogs”. So, when the humans were at dinner tonight I did a little Googling and figured out that Colorado is a state halfway across the country. Don’t even get me started on this “snow” shit. I watched some videos of dogs playing in snow that look like tons of fun, if you’re three or four. I’m 10! I’m way too old for this shit! I also looked up how long I’m going to have to share the back of the car with the beast. Three days?!? No thanks. Maybe whoever moves into our house wants an awesome, super-smart, well behaved “mature” dog.

    That’s what’s going on in the life of Lunchbox lately. Annoying kids, super-annoying sister, and now this whole moving thing. So, basically the humans continue to suck and I continue to pay the consequences.

     

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    What’s The Big Deal? – Updated

    June 4th, 2009

    OK, I’ve given this whole baby thing about 8 months and I have to say I just don’t get what all the fuss is about. Don’t get me wrong, I love my babies and they let me clean food off they’re mouths (awesome), but they seem overrated. Everyone makes such a fuss over every little thing they do, but I’m not impressed. I wish someone would get all excited about taking me for a damn walk.

    Every little thing the babies do is such a huge event to the other humans, but I don’t understand it. They’re 8-months-old and everyone makes a big deal out of the girl baby learning to sit (Mom said to make sure to tell everyone that Ella is sitting now. See what I mean? I can’t even write a blog post without having to plug the stupid babies). When I was 8-months I had already graduated my obedience class as Top Dog. Sitting? I was sitting by 4-months. Not just sitting, but sitting on command. Did everyone make a big deal out of me figuring out how to sit? Nope, they gave me a tiny treat and told me to do it again. Totally unfair.

    Speaking of unfair, the double standard that Mommy and Daddy have between me and the babies is ridiculous. There is baby crap everywhere (and they’re toys look exactly like my toys), but I never chew on any of their toys. Not even the stuffed animals, and if you know me at all you know how hard that is. (I have chewed on the occasional pacifier, but seriously they’re delicious and they’re everywhere.) If I ever did eat a toy I would get in lots of trouble. Then there are the babies. They eat everything, even my toys. Today the baby girl threw all of her toys to the side and started eating my rope. When Mommy took that away she started eating my Kong. Did she get yelled at, or even scolded? Nope. Hell, the babies chew on ME and no one says anything to them. I just have to lay there and take it (although I secretly love the attention). Daddy got new glasses last week and the babies are always grabbing and pulling them. Of course, no one says anything to them. I licked his glasses today and got in trouble. One lick. Total crap.

    I haven’t even mentioned all the stuff that the babies can’t even do yet. Apparently even something as basic as Ella crawling about a foot forward is worth talking about. Really? Crawling? She’s 8-months-old! I was running around before I was 1-week. Don’t even get me started on the house-breaking. I never took one dump in our house (I did drop a deuce at The Learning Garden once, but it wasn’t ours yet and it smelled weird), and it only took 2 weeks for me to figure out that I’m supposed to pee outside. The little humans have taken about 10,000 poops in the house and no one seems to care. I’ve heard rumors they even poop in stores. Imagine if I stopped and squatted in Target; I’d never hear the end of it. They just throw diapers on the babies and act like everything is fine. The worst part is no one seems to be trying to fix the problem. They don’t even take them out to the lawn to teach them to “hurry”. How are they ever going to learn?

    There’s plenty of other ways I’m way better than the babies, but Mommy and Daddy want the laptop and I still have to check on all my Twitter friends so I better go. I love my babies, but I’ll love them a lot more when they can take me on a walk. Until then I’m going to go hide my toys so they stop eating them.

    [Update: Here are some pictures of the babies torturing me!]

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    An Update From The Box

    May 5th, 2009

    I’ve decided that I’m tired of letting the humans write my posts for me, so I decided to get my own account and take care of things myself. It’s only fitting since I’m such a grown up dog now (2 years old!). I’ve got my own email address (lbthedog@gmail.com), and I’m even on Twitter (http://twitter.com/lbthedog). I’m quite the Web 2.0 puppy (I guess that makes me “Lunchbx”).

    This weekend was the big yard sale in my ‘hood. For the humans this means lots of sunscreen and shopping. For me, it just means a super long walk. Last year was crazy. It was really hot and there were humans everywhere. Cars were parked on the median, and on every curb. There were so many crotches to sniff! Of course, Mommy still had babies inside her (the good old days as I call them) so we had to take lots of breaks. This year it was a lot cooler and there weren’t as many humans.

    After the humans finally got out of bed and fed me and the babies, it was time to go on our walk. I was so excited about the yard sales that I grabbed a $5 bill out of my private stash (I’ll never tell where it is) and brought it to Mommy to buy me stuff. Of course, we couldn’t just go walk. I threw on my pirate outfit (you never know who you might meet at the yard sale, gotta impress the bitches (I can say that, I’m a dog)) and was ready to go, but the human babies take forever to leave. They had to have cute outfits, hats, sunscreen, bottles, and everything else the humans could find. Those little things sure are a lot of work. It’s bad enough when they wake me up at night, but getting in the way of my walk is completely unacceptable. Anyway, eventually all of the humans were ready and it was finally time to go out and get our walk on.

    Since my human parents don’t trim my toenails often enough, it’s a little tough to type everything up so I’ll just skip to the highlights. We walked all over the area and saw tons of humans and even some other dogs. Apparently the humans didn’t find anything they liked, because they didn’t buy anything but some breakfast burritos (they spent my $5 and didn’t even give me any, totally not fair). I got to play a little with a Wiemariener (any idea how hard that is for a dog to spell?) at one of the houses, but we had to leave before the W and I started breaking stuff. The craziest thing I saw was two dogs being walked in strollers like the human babies. Why would the dogs agree to that? What’s the point of going on a walk if you don’t, you know, walk? Some dogs are lame. You won’t catch me riding in a stroller. Mommy’s ankle has been acting up lately, so we had to cut our stroll short (if an hour-and-a-half is short). I was so tired when we finally got home, so I pretty much napped the rest of the day. I can’t wait until next year’s yard sale.

    The humans want to use the laptop so I guess I better wrap this up and go get some water. Typing is a lot of work. I’m exhausted. Time for a nap.

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    Silly Humans (From The Desk Of Lunchbox Lorigan)

    January 22nd, 2009

    OK so my human parents finally gave be permission to write my own blog post. This past weekend they threw me in the back of the car and we all headed off to Mission Trails park. Ever since the human babies were born, my parents have not had as much time to go hiking and exploring with me. Well, on Saturday they decided it was too nice of a day to stay inside. It was 80 degrees in the middle of January. This is my favorite temperature because I love dragging my bed into the sun and soakin’ up the rays. Anyway, back to my story. Since I was coming along and I tend to be a little demanding, there was no room for the stroller in the back of their car. The humans had to strap that thing to the roof of the car. It looked pretty silly. After they put the stroller on the roof, my human daddy had to lift me into the back of the car because I am a demanding dog and I don’t like doing things myself. Off to the park we went.

    Once we got the the park and the humans unloaded the stroller and got the babies strapped in, Erica showed up. I got sooo excited! My tail was wagging so much. While they were getting things loaded into that monster stroller, the little human girl started screaming. I tried to sniff her to see if it was her diaper, but that wasn’t it. I then licked her face to see if she had recently eaten, but there were no milk leftovers so I had to go tell the human she was hungry and they need to stick a bottle in her mouth so she would stop barking. After she got her bottle, we headed to the trail.

    Now, I just have to say, my human dad got mom an accessory kit for her new camera lens for an early birthday present, so do you know what she did the entire hike? Yeah, she kept taking pictures. I swear, we would walk about 10 feet and then we had to stop so she could take a picture of a leaf or a rock or some other annoying thing that made me stop. She also had this need to take a million pictures of me with me feet up on stuff. She says I need to pose for a book she is working on, but all I heard was, “blah, blah, blah, Paws Up.” At least I got lots of treats every time I did it. Anyway, the walk was pretty mellow after that. The highlight of the walk was when the humans let me off my leash and I ran around all crazy. I made the humans chase me around to try and catch me. I finally let them catch me because I didn’t want them to get in trouble by a ranger. After more photos and a stroller on the roof, we headed home for the day.

    I thought my good luck ended when we got home, but I was wrong. We got to go back to the park on Monday since it was apparently a holiday, what ever that is. OK, so we go through the whole loading the car spectacle again, and again I have to laugh at the stroller on the roof. We got to the park and Erica was there again. I was soooo excited. I got to see her so much last weekend!

    Usually when we go to the park, the humans take me on a trail that makes a nice loop. It is pretty easy and only has one little hill. The trail is almost like a dirt road. Nice and wide. The humans say it is perfect for the monster stroller. This time we did the loop backwards so my human mom didn’t have to push the stroller up the hill. This is where the real adventure started.

    The hike started off like a normal little hike. We should have known something was up when we saw the orange plastic fence. Well, I think it was orange since I can’t exactly see colors. The fence was blocking our normal path. The path that we were rerouted on was a narrow single track path. At this point, I would think that most humans who have great big strollers that don’t fit on single track paths would turn around. Nope, not my humans. They just made sure the sun shades were down so the branches didn’t hit the small ones. I hung back with Erica and kind of laughed at the scene that was before me. I thought it was going to be the funniest thing, but I was wrong. The funniest thing came next.

    We got to a point on this narrow little path that started going down hill. This was not the normal down hill that we are used to. This was STEEP! Not just steep, but rocky and steep. Now again, most people would have turned around. Not my humans. Mom thought this would be a good time to switch lenses on her camera. she was right. Like always. This monster stroller does not have a hand brake on it so when the humans started down this narrow, steep, rocky path, it was HILARIOUS! The first thing mom asked was if the babies were strapped in good. Dad went down the hill first with the camera and to catch the stroller if mom lost control. OK, so we all started down the hill and things were going pretty good. Good thing it was really rocky because the front wheel kept getting stuck and slowed the monster down. At one point human mom stopped in a very awkward position and yelled down at human dad that she might need some help. He was like, “Lets just trade places, I can push it down just fine.” Mom gave a little chuckle and then put the brake on and they traded places. At this point Mom ran down the hill with the camera. Dad let off the brake and tried going down the hill. He yelled down to Mom that he too might need some help. I was totally laughing at this. Mom had to run back up the hill and grab the front of the stroller and put her weight against it and they got it down the hill. The little humans were jostled but they made it. I thought I smelled something funny when we got down the hill and it turns out that the ride literally scared the shit out of the human boy. We all laughed. At the bottom of the hill Mom took a picture of the two paths and the detour sign so you can see the two paths next to each other.

    The rest of the walk was pretty easy. They kept stopping to take more annoying pictures of me, but I at least got to climb a tree and that was pretty fun. It was like I was a cat. I like cats. They poop and I like to eat it. It makes the humans mad, but I can’t help myself. Sorry! Puppy-ADD, or PADD, took over. Back to the story. More pictures of leaves, and dirt. At the end of the hike we had a choice of two trails. The one on the left went up to the pavement and the one on the right went by more stupid leaves and dirt. We picked the leaves and dirt. Guess what this path had? Stairs. The stairs where made of railroad ties and logs so things were not exactly evenly spaced. The humans made it down the first set pretty easily. When they had to go up the last set the spacing was just wrong and they ended up having to carry it. I was torn on what to think. Part of me was happy because it was so funny, but I knew this was the end of the trail and we would have to go home. I have to say, it was better then a walk around the block. I guess the humans are glad they had a 4-wheel drive stroller, or I should say 3-wheel drive.

    The humans posted photos from our trips over in their gallery.

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