Just a few random thoughts and stories from the past week or so. I’m too lazy to worry about transition sentences, so we’re going with a list.

• A couple of blocks up the road from my house there’s a “Gentlemen’s Club” with the classy name “Little Darlings”. “Little Darlings” is the only building on either side of the road for a block or so. It’s painted orange with turquoise trim (until recently it was pink). Most days there is a sign out front on the sidewalk advertising the current event/special: “Free lunch 12-4pm. No cover until 4pm!”, “Thursday night: Bridget the Midget”, “Wednesday: Pudding night”, etc. Seriously, I didn’t make any of those up; they’re all actual ads that have been on the board at least once in the past year. I guess what I’m trying to say is that the place doesn’t exactly blend in. I’m pretty sure the blind guys at the convalescent home down the block can see it. So imagine my surprise when a few weeks ago they started putting up tons of bright balloons on the sidewalk every day. Is there really anyone driving by who somehow missed the orange/turquoise building, free lunch, and Bridget the Midget who sees some balloons and says to himself “Ooohh! Balloons! Wait…is that a strip club? I have to stop right now!”? On second thought, I like balloons…I’ll be right back.
• Ella and Jackson are still growing like crazy (that’s why you get a list…I’m not even going to attempt to transition from “Little Darlings” to my little darlings). Shae tells me that in the past couple of days they have grown much faster than her belly. Right now Jackson is sticking out the lower-right side of Shae’s belly and Ella’s jutting out the upper-left. You can actually push them into each other and then feel them kick each other. I’m sure they love that.
• Staying with the babies, my daughter kicked me in the face the other day. I’ve heard of this happening to others, but it’s still a little upsetting when your kid kicks you in the mouth. I was explaining to Ella that if she didn’t stop kicking her mother in the ribs she wasn’t going to be the favorite when she came out. Apparently she didn’t like that so she responded with a kick to my mouth. Having a daughter is going to be super.
• On Saturday, we (we being me, Chris, Patty, Lamb, and Wendy) went up to the Del Mar Fair and caught some horse races. Nothing quite like putting down a huge $2 on the 2-horse and having the ticket guy frown at you. “$2 on Number 3. Anything else? No? Really? Huh.” I’m sure everyone will be shocked, but I didn’t win a single bet. That’s right, I squandered away a whole $10. I even managed to lose despite betting on 3 horses in a 4 horse race. Yet another thing I’m awesome at.
• They had a chili cookoff at the racetrack so we got to wander around with a little plastic cup and spoon and taste a bunch of chili. After trying most of the contenders I had consumed almost enough chili to consider it a free lunch. I think everyone was scared of being too spicy for the horse racing crowd because none of the chili was the least bit spicy. I turned in my ballot with #109 at the top and felt pretty confident in my vote. Then my buddy Lamb came over and asked if I had tried the one that tasted exactly like Stagg chili. Sure enough, when I thought about it #109 tasted like it came right out of the can. I have outstanding taste.
• If you want to end this post on a happy note, you should probably skip right down to the quote(s) from Shizzle. If you’re still reading you probably stayed one race too long, just like us. Jumping back to early in the day, we were waiting to pay for parking and Chris tried to sound like he knew something about horse racing by throwing out “I’m putting my money on the 5 horse in the 7th race.” Nevermind the fact none of us knew if there were even 7 races (there were 10 actually), it was an impressive show of racing lingo. After a day of chili and racing the 7th race finally came around and Chris put down his big money ($2 of course) on “Crazy Cash”. There’s no way this could go bad, right? Wrong. After shooting out to an early lead, Crazy Cash proceeded to fall to the back of the pack. By the time we turned around to watch the horses finish (the screen and the track were on opposite sides of us so we watched most of the race on the screen and then the finish “live”), Crazy Cash was nowhere to be seen. Finally, CC came into view. Just as I was making a comment to Chris about his awesome skill at picking winners, I noticed that CC was missing a jockey and seemed to be limping. Somewhere towards the end of the race (after we had turned around) CC had fallen and broken a leg. It got pretty quiet pretty quick. They brought out a little screen to block the view from the grandstand (not a good sign) and a trailer from a local horse sanctuary (a better sign). As we left the track we weren’t sure what happend to Crazy Cash, but the next day I found a a recap on the day’s races that included the information that CC had been euthanized on the track. RIP Crazy Cash. Definitely a downer end to an otherwise great day.

“Our babies are going to lose their fur this week! Awesome!” –Shizzle

“When I lay down, my boobs are bigger than my stomach…maybe.”
–Shizzle (Bonus quote because she threw that one out while I was typing)

The other day I was sitting at work trying to figure out how to wipe the dripping sweat from my cleavage without my students noticing. It got me thinking that someone really needs to make a boob deodorant for pregnant women. After my students left I went to the trusty internet to do some research. I was unable to find any magical boob sweat remover, but I did find a bunch of other interesting products for pregnant women.

The first product I came across was something called Mommy Sox. These little socks are supposed to relieve all the foot pain that comes with pregnancy. Wanna know what I think? I don’t think a little piece of cotton is going to fix the problem of having 30 extra pounds trying to flatten out your arches. Besides, what pregnant woman can actually put socks on? I don’t even remember the last time I could fit by big swollen feet into a pair of shoes that actually required socks, let alone tie the damn things.

Next up is a product called Mamma Spanx. These are footless pantyhose for pregos. Again, how is a prego supposed to actually put these horribly unfashionable items on? And why are they footless? I guess it’s so we can wear them with our mamma sox and start a whole new trend. I love the pictures of all the women wearing really high heels in the photos. I have yet to see a pregnant woman wear anything but flip flops.

This next one I came across is just ridiculous. It is the Baby Chime. Basically they are bells that come on a long necklace and they sit on your stomach. So now you have all the annoyances of babies kicking you and they have to go and add a bell. Remember back in days when everyone wore bells on their shoes at Christmas time? Think of having 9 months of bells. I guess it is supposed to calm the baby down both in the womb and then again outside. If I was a baby listening to a bell for 9 months and then my mother shook the thing around after I was born, I think I would lose it.

I can actually see a use for this one. Well, only if I walked around public places with my shirt pulled up. Touch My Tummy Tattoos. These are temporary tattoos that you put on your stomach to tell people either were to touch, or to keep their hands off. I don’t know how many times I have gone into the grocery store and have had random women walk up to me and rub my belly while asking if I was pregnant.

I just have to laugh at something called a Belly Up. They are like little suspenders that connect your pants to your bra. I guess they are supposed to combat the horribleness of ass crack. If you have ever been pregnant then you know how tight and thick the bands of maternity pants are, so why would you need suspenders? And another thing, Do we really need something that is pulling our boobs down even further?

I think this one has to be my favorite product. It is the V2 Supporter. Yes ladies, they now make jock straps just for us. Apparently it is supposed to prevent excessive swelling in the vulva area. Ummm, can we say gross? How big does your vag have to get to warrant the use of this contraption?

The Miss Oops Popper Stoppers seem like a really stupid idea. They are like little band aids for you popped out belly button. Everyone knows that part of being pregnant is waiting for your belly button to pop. Maybe they think that if people cant see their turkey timer, then they wont know they are pregnant. They must not be having twins.

I have decided to group these next products together. I can’t believe how many products are available just for nipples! Breast Shells are little plastic discs that cover the nipple and “encourage” them to stick out further. I think sticking your chest in the freezer for a few seconds will do the same thing. Apparently you use these before breast feeding. During the feeding you can use Nipple Shields. These things look like the nipples that are on regular bottles but you stick them to yourself and the baby sucks your nipple into it like a vacuum. No wonder men act like Hoovers. Lets not forget about all the different creams, lotions and gels that are out there to sooth yourself after feeding. I equate these to Udder Cream for cows. I found a product called the Booby Tube but I have no idea what it is for. I just like the name. There is also a Shower Hug. You wrap this around your chest during a shower to protect sensitive nipples. How are you supposed to clean yourself if you have a big band wrapped around you. I guess these women never get sweaty breasts. Lucky. My favorite are Breast Pads. These are just maxi pads for your boobs.

So I just have to wonder what life was like before all of these products. I mean, how did women survive. Obviously we are not supposed to breastfeed without a ton of nipple products and our stomachs will fall off if we don’t use all the support garments out there. I guess no one ever got pregnant before we had all of these miracle products. I better go out and do some shopping so my stomach doesn’t fall off and God forbid if people see my belly button.

“Babies, stop kicking your mother. I want her to be nice to me tonight.” –Pat

I haven’t spent a lot of time around pregnant women (it’s one of the keys to my survival) so I don’t really have a solid frame of reference to compare Shae to. That being said, she watches a lot of those damn baby/pregnancy shows and even though she’s “only” 6 months pregnant she’s almost as big as most of the 8 and 9 monthers on those shows.

Tonight Shae and I went out to dinner and as we were waiting for a table we ended up sitting on a bench next to an older couple. After a few minutes the lady finally leaned over and asked Shae when she was due (I think she was trying to make sure Shae was actually pregnant before she asked). Shae quickly replied that she was due in October, and the look on the woman’s face was priceless. It was a cross between shock and pity and we could tell she was trying to figure out how many months away October is. Shae played it perfectly, and just when the woman’s head exploded Shae followed up with “We’re having twins.” You could almost feel the relief pass over the woman.

My beautiful wife at 6 months:

I think I’m going to try to close my pregnancy-related blogs with a quote from Shizzle, so here you go:

“My babies know as the woman who yells at the dog a lot. Their first words are probably going to be ‘LEAVE IT!’. Or maybe ‘Lunchbox NO!'”