Humping Poohs (And Other Reasons I’m Not Mature Enough For Babies)

Written by Pat on June 22nd, 2008

This weekend was hot. Shae and I basically spent the whole weekend just trying to stay cool and do as little as possible. Somehow we still managed to do enough to give me something to write about.

In preparation for the scorching weekend we decided this might be a good time to buy the single-room portable A/C unit a co-worker was selling (he decided to put in real A/C). On the way home, we swung by and picked up our stroller at REI. After the now-standard Shae pee stop, I knew we might be in trouble when the guy at the customer service desk grabbed the biggest box and brought it out to us. He asked if we needed help carrying it out or setting it up, but I was too proud to accept so I wrestled the giant box out to the car and loaded it next to the A/C.

We got home, unloaded the car, hooked up the A/C unit, and tried to cool off. After about an hour or so, we decided it would be more fun to go play in the sprinklers than sitting on the couch (Shae said the dog would have fun, I think she just wanted to try out her new maternity swimsuit). Watching Shae “run” through the sprinklers (I’m not nearly ballsy enough to try to describe Shae’s run, so I’ll just let you guys picture her jumping through the sprinklers pregnant while the dog chased her) I couldn’t help but think about the picture of her as a two-year-old running through the sprinklers that was part of our wedding center pieces. She hasn’t changed a bit, right? Right?!? (Just nod…she’s standing right next to me):

After we cooled off, we headed back inside and decided it was time to put the stroller together. I don’t think there’s any way I can properly describe the experience, but I’ll try. Shae had a full-on temper tantrum trying to open the box so I had to take over the assembly, which went pretty quickly (of course the “assembly” was putting three wheels on, but I’m still taking credit). The first thing about the stroller is that it’s huge. It finally hit me that we’re going to have two babies. Holy crap! This stroller fits through a doorway but it’s close. However, it doesn’t fit through the mini-doorway to our hallway so once we get it in our door we’re stuck in the entryway. The stroller has seat pockets and cupholders (for the kids). Know what else the stroller has? Quick release tires and suspension. This thing is somewhere between a nice bike and a cheap car. What the hell is this world coming to? Did I mention the thing is huge, yet? Because it is.

Today Shae finally dragged me out to Babies “R” Us to register for baby stuff (the need to get into an air conditioned building had nothing to do with it). Upon entering the store Shae had a decision to make: go the registry desk (right by the door), or use the bathroom (all the way in the back)? I think everyone can guess which one she chose, but eventually we got back to the registry desk. After witnessing a pregnant woman yell at a manager for a while because of some problem with her registry (pregnant women scare me…note to self: be nice to Shae), we got our gun and started off to register.

About 10 minutes into the registering two things became very clear to me:

  1. There is a ton of baby stuff you need, and I have no idea how you are supposed to know what to choose. I mean, what is the difference between a $50 breast pump and a $350 breast pump? There are like 10,000 different toys. Which ones do you choose? It’s easy for the dog, he destroys them all in like five minutes so you just pick the cheapest ones.
  2. I am nowhere near mature enough for babies. I might not know the difference between a $50 and a $350 breast pump, but I do know I laugh at the term “breast pump” regardless of the price tag (although I laugh harder at the $350 one because I figure it must be 7 times funnier). I also pointed the scanner at Shae’s butt and boobs and made the “beep” noise every chance I got. Of course, then I saw that someone had positioned two Pooh bears in an…umm…interesting position (we’ll call them Humping Poohs because I’m feeling so mature today) and I knew I wasn’t the only one who might not be quite ready for kids. Either that or someone brought their kids with them to the store.

I also came across some disturbing information you guys may not be aware of: babies are expensive. I know, it came as quite a shock to me too but it’s true. Car seats, clothes, bottles, breast pumps (still makes me giggle a little), etc. I’m beginning to think these things may not be the money makers I was hoping for, even with the tax deduction.

When we turned the registry gun back in, we got a little gift packet. It was mostly advertisements and coupons, but there were two interesting items. The first was a little book of baby names and meanings. Ella means “sprightly”, and Jackson means “son of Jack” (never would have guessed that one). When we looked up Jack we got “Form of John”, and when we looked up John we got…nothing. How can you define a name as “Form of John” and then not have John in your book? Who writes these things?

The second item of interest was a diaper for a newborn. I didn’t think all that much of it, but Shae couldn’t get over how tiny the diaper was. “Their butts are going to be that small?!?” She put the diaper in the giant stroller and forced me to look at how small the diaper was. “I’m not ready to be a mom. I’m going to break my babies. There is no way they are going to be that small.” Somehow the tiny diaper had the same effect on Shae that the giant stroller had on me: “Holy crap! We’re having babies and we are nowhere near ready.”

Lunchbox “LB” Lorigan, C.G.C.

Our little boy is all grown up. That’s right, he gets letters after his name now because today Lunchbox passed his Canine Good Citizenship (CGC) test. I’m not going to say LB aced his test, but at least he passed. Between the time (8am, right in the middle of his waking-up time), the distractions (bugs, birds, other dogs), and his overall mood (let’s call it crappy) I can’t imagine LB could have done any worse on the test, but he still passed. Once we send in the paperwork, we’ll get a certificate that will certify that our dog is a C.G.C. It’s like he graduated from medical school or something. Of course, he’s probably taken more classes than most M.D.s. On that note, I’m going to go play in the sprinklers with Good Citizen Box and try to stay cool.

One last note before I sign off for the weekend. We have some photos posted of the work we did in the baby room last weekend (in the House album). If anyone wants to see Shae (and me) nesting, take a look at the pics here.

1 Comments so far ↓

  1. JustinLL says:

    Pat, I don’t think anyone is ever “mature enough” to have a brand new baby, let alone two of them at the same time. Heck, I still laugh whenever I hear the word *poop* and I’m no where near to having children of my own. Wait…well, you get the idea.

    Snap a photo of that giant stroller and post it up.

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