How Do We Live Without Them!

Written by Shae on August 5th, 2008

The other day I was sitting at work trying to figure out how to wipe the dripping sweat from my cleavage without my students noticing. It got me thinking that someone really needs to make a boob deodorant for pregnant women. After my students left I went to the trusty internet to do some research. I was unable to find any magical boob sweat remover, but I did find a bunch of other interesting products for pregnant women.

The first product I came across was something called Mommy Sox. These little socks are supposed to relieve all the foot pain that comes with pregnancy. Wanna know what I think? I don’t think a little piece of cotton is going to fix the problem of having 30 extra pounds trying to flatten out your arches. Besides, what pregnant woman can actually put socks on? I don’t even remember the last time I could fit by big swollen feet into a pair of shoes that actually required socks, let alone tie the damn things.

Next up is a product called Mamma Spanx. These are footless pantyhose for pregos. Again, how is a prego supposed to actually put these horribly unfashionable items on? And why are they footless? I guess it’s so we can wear them with our mamma sox and start a whole new trend. I love the pictures of all the women wearing really high heels in the photos. I have yet to see a pregnant woman wear anything but flip flops.

This next one I came across is just ridiculous. It is the Baby Chime. Basically they are bells that come on a long necklace and they sit on your stomach. So now you have all the annoyances of babies kicking you and they have to go and add a bell. Remember back in days when everyone wore bells on their shoes at Christmas time? Think of having 9 months of bells. I guess it is supposed to calm the baby down both in the womb and then again outside. If I was a baby listening to a bell for 9 months and then my mother shook the thing around after I was born, I think I would lose it.

I can actually see a use for this one. Well, only if I walked around public places with my shirt pulled up. Touch My Tummy Tattoos. These are temporary tattoos that you put on your stomach to tell people either were to touch, or to keep their hands off. I don’t know how many times I have gone into the grocery store and have had random women walk up to me and rub my belly while asking if I was pregnant.

I just have to laugh at something called a Belly Up. They are like little suspenders that connect your pants to your bra. I guess they are supposed to combat the horribleness of ass crack. If you have ever been pregnant then you know how tight and thick the bands of maternity pants are, so why would you need suspenders? And another thing, Do we really need something that is pulling our boobs down even further?

I think this one has to be my favorite product. It is the V2 Supporter. Yes ladies, they now make jock straps just for us. Apparently it is supposed to prevent excessive swelling in the vulva area. Ummm, can we say gross? How big does your vag have to get to warrant the use of this contraption?

The Miss Oops Popper Stoppers seem like a really stupid idea. They are like little band aids for you popped out belly button. Everyone knows that part of being pregnant is waiting for your belly button to pop. Maybe they think that if people cant see their turkey timer, then they wont know they are pregnant. They must not be having twins.

I have decided to group these next products together. I can’t believe how many products are available just for nipples! Breast Shells are little plastic discs that cover the nipple and “encourage” them to stick out further. I think sticking your chest in the freezer for a few seconds will do the same thing. Apparently you use these before breast feeding. During the feeding you can use Nipple Shields. These things look like the nipples that are on regular bottles but you stick them to yourself and the baby sucks your nipple into it like a vacuum. No wonder men act like Hoovers. Lets not forget about all the different creams, lotions and gels that are out there to sooth yourself after feeding. I equate these to Udder Cream for cows. I found a product called the Booby Tube but I have no idea what it is for. I just like the name. There is also a Shower Hug. You wrap this around your chest during a shower to protect sensitive nipples. How are you supposed to clean yourself if you have a big band wrapped around you. I guess these women never get sweaty breasts. Lucky. My favorite are Breast Pads. These are just maxi pads for your boobs.

So I just have to wonder what life was like before all of these products. I mean, how did women survive. Obviously we are not supposed to breastfeed without a ton of nipple products and our stomachs will fall off if we don’t use all the support garments out there. I guess no one ever got pregnant before we had all of these miracle products. I better go out and do some shopping so my stomach doesn’t fall off and God forbid if people see my belly button.

“Babies, stop kicking your mother. I want her to be nice to me tonight.” –Pat

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