Hey everyone! Long time no blog. I’d like to blame the humans for not letting me on the laptop anymore, but honestly I’m just too old and tired to be bothered to share my awesome thoughts with the world. Oh, and my toenails are too long. Well, since I recently got a trim and there’s a ton to fill you guys in on, I decided to sneak Mommy’s laptop out of her bag and let you guys know what’s really going on.
A ton has changed since last time I put paw to keyboard, most notably that the annoying babies have turned into even more annoying kids. However, there is one thing that bears mentioning above the rest: the little bitch. The humans scold me when I call her that, but what else do you call a female dog who’s smaller than you? They call her Whiskey, but I’m pretty sure that’s just because they’re alcoholics and now no one can tell if they’re getting drunk or scolding the brown monster. Whatever her name is, a little over two years ago the humans brought home the insane monstrosity known as Whiskey. Sure, she started out cute but that got old about a month later when she chewed on my shoulder so much that I had to go into surgery to get a tiny little tumor removed (fine Dad, it was huge and gross). Anyway, the tumor wasn’t a problem for almost 8 years until she showed up. Since then, it’s been week after week of torture from my new “sister”. She’s always stealing my bed, stealing attention, and getting both of us in trouble. I’m sure I’m supposed to say I love her, so sure. Whatever. If you think she’s cute, you live with her. I could go on for hours about how annoying Whiskey is, but lately there’s more going on I need to fill you in on.
I’m not really sure what’s going on, but there is weird shit going on with the humans. It started a couple of months ago with putting a bunch of stuff in boxes. They were nice enough to avoid any of my stuff, but they did pack up a lot of the small human’s toys that I use when I can’t find my toys fast enough. Then, a weird sign appeared in the front yard. Shortly after, things got REALLY weird. All kinds of new people started coming by the house. You’d think that would annoy me, but it was great! Every time someone new came by, I got to go for a walk (which is awesome, even if the bitch has to go too). Occasionally, we’d even go to parks, restaurants, etc. It was like the old days, before the small humans took over. Lately the visitors have dropped off, but the packing has picked up again. Today, three strangers came over and put everything we own in boxes. They even boxed up almost all of my toys (I’d be annoyed, but brown poop-monster steals them all anyway).
I’m not sure what’s going on, but the humans keep talking about how we are going to be “Colorado dogs” or “snow dogs”. So, when the humans were at dinner tonight I did a little Googling and figured out that Colorado is a state halfway across the country. Don’t even get me started on this “snow” shit. I watched some videos of dogs playing in snow that look like tons of fun, if you’re three or four. I’m 10! I’m way too old for this shit! I also looked up how long I’m going to have to share the back of the car with the beast. Three days?!? No thanks. Maybe whoever moves into our house wants an awesome, super-smart, well behaved “mature” dog.
That’s what’s going on in the life of Lunchbox lately. Annoying kids, super-annoying sister, and now this whole moving thing. So, basically the humans continue to suck and I continue to pay the consequences.
